Monday, October 08, 2007

Things I Hate About Chris Berman

Here is a partial list of the things I hate about ESPN sportscaster Chris Berman. And I'm skipping the obvious things, like his incessant usage of inane nicknames for not only every single player on the planet, but some species of African bush weasels as well.

  1. The overly broad gestures that punctuate every single syllable he utters. I fully expect him to knock a colleague unconscious some day with an exaggerated arm swing. Particularly egregious: the "Pseud-OK", the aborted love-child of "I missed it by that much" and Gumby's "O-TAY!".

  2. The sport jacket with a short-sleeve shirt underneath. What is he, twelve? With every overly broad gesture you see his hairy arms all the way up to his elbows. It is my dream that he will accidentally crush his own larynx during a broadcast while gesticulating, and die for lack of a shirt sleeve with which to stanch the bleeding.

  3. "BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK ... ((twenty minutes later)) ... BACK BACK BACK BACK ..."

  4. "WHOOP!", particularly when used at completely inappropriate times. I have visions of this abominable noise issuing forth from a bathroom stall in Bristol about an hour after lunch every day.

  5. The combover. Let it go, man, because trust me -- it's gone.

  6. The stupefied look on his face during every NFL Sunday Shoutathon And Screaming Death Match show, when one of his idiotic on-screen comrades finishes speaking and tosses it back to him to move along to the next topic. Pick up the ball, Berman, it's your turn to do something!

  7. He's still on ESPN, and Keith Olbermann is not. There is no justice in the world.


Ronin said...

Wow, thats a lot of hate for Boomer. Which I think is unfounded. There are far to many people that take themselves far to seriously in the commetary world. Hes a nice change from that. Does the comb over got to go? Well you got me there. I agree its gotta go. On the other hand it doesnt bother me as much as Maddens eye brows. There friggin huge. And whos idea is it to every week to use makeup/dye (Or what ever) to make them light brown (you know the color of his hair 30 years ago) so that they stand out like squirrels glued to his forehead.
At least Boomer knows what hes talking about when it comes to football. Madden give rambling stories and little quips that have nothing to do with the game. Or are just wrong. I watched the idiot use the telepromter pen to draw a picture of a sandwich. OVER THE GAME, DURING A LIVE PLAY!
As for Keith Olbermann. Have you seen NBC's sunday night game pre-game show (I refuse to use their stupid name for it.) that he hosts. Not exactly the highlight of my sunday television veiwing. I'll leave it at that.

Jeff Hebert said...

Maybe Madden and Berman could work out some sort of Hair Exchange, where Madden could donate some of his excess eyebrow hair for Berman's scalp. I think that'd be fair.

Ronin said...

You maybe on to something there.

A said...

I agree 100%. One more segment of how good "The Schwam" is with a near .500 record of predicting games will make me sick. Also, ESPN, please stop the WHOOP!!!
FoodTV cancelled Emeril because he became boring. It's time for ESPN to ditch Berman permanently.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Every morning I wake up and hope Berman was hit by a bus while I slept. Never has such an untalented loser been on tv for so long, save for everyone on Fox news. I can't stand this s.o.b.! When I was twelve I thought it was neat that he had little knick names for everybody. But now that I am older I realize that he has no talent at all. He would be better off dead.

Anonymous said...

I hate Chris Berman... he's ruining the Home Run Derby for me right now. I just told my husband "If I Google "I hate Chris Berman" I guarantee I'll get a million sites ... yep. Like nails on a chalkboard.

Anonymous said...

wow i found someone who hates chris berman as much as me

Anonymous said...

i found this googling "hate chris berman", which I do with a passion. if i hear WHOOP or DAYLIGHT COME AND YA GOTTA DELHOMME or have to see him in a "celebrity" golf tournament, i'm gonna go insane