Getting Real

This post is pretty long and pretty personal. If you're not in the mood for some maudlin self-inspection, you'd probably be better off skipping it and waiting for the next fun animal post.

Otherwise, as Custer said to his troops, "Charge, lads, we've nothing to fear!" Just consider yourself forewarned.

I don't know the name of the show or the episode. All I can remember for sure is that Rita Moreno is in it as a somewhat older woman, who invites an attractive, dynamic younger man from her office over to her house for dinner. He's funny and engaging, always making people laugh, but eventually Moreno's character asks him if he's always being honest when he's like that. He admits that he isn't, that he often has random, strange thoughts that he doesn't ever give voice to, because he's afraid people will find him dreadfully dull.

Rita encourages him to come on out with some of them, to give honesty a try, advising him that he can't be a clown all the time if that isn't his true self. So the handsome young man admits "I sometimes wonder why old people eat Lime Jell-O all the time." He rattles off a whole raft of observations like that, and sure enough, he drones on so long Moreno's character eventually goes to sleep while he's talking.

He laughs quietly when he sees her slumped down on the couch, tucks her in with a blanket, and leaves.

(I think it's an episode of "The Golden Girls", although I can't imagine I'd ever willingly subject myself to that kind of torture. Perhaps I was kidnapped by Soviet spies, and subsequently had my memory scrubbed. This fragment is the only segment of the heinous torture to survive, but perhaps I endured even worse, like being forced to watch "Diffr'nt Strokes". The horror!)

In any event, this particular scene has stayed with me for many years, while other, less important trivia has long since faded away (like my middle name, driver's license number, and how to tie my shoes -- thank goodness for Velcro is all I'm saying).

I think I remember it because it resonated with me as something true from my own life. For instance, when I was in junior high school I attended a part-time "Gifted & Talented" program at another location, returning by bus to my regular school around lunchtime. The other kids would ask me where I'd been, and I didn't want to come off as arrogant or like "Smart people school, you idiot" so I'd laugh it off, make a joke, downplay what I'd been doing. After all, I literally "rode the short bus", what's not to make fun of there?

But looking back on it, I was being fundamentally dishonest. Not so much with the other children -- I didn't lie, really -- but with myself. I loved going to those GT classes. They were the only thing that kept me going all too often when regular school was so incredibly boring. And yet I denied that I even attended. I pretended that nothing special was happening, and I fear that pattern, set so early, has persisted even til now, in my fourth decade of life.

Take this blog, for instance.

I avoid anything that might smack of controversy. My politics I leave out completely, because I don't want to offend anyone. I pretend as if religion doesn't exist and that I have no thoughts on it because I don't want to roil the waters. I studiously avoid any negative words about anyone I know, for fear that they'll one day find the archives and have their feelings hurt.

It's a life in denial, really, about the things that matter most to me, much like I did back in junior high. The thoughts and dreams and feelings that I have about a major part of my life are verbotten. Even worse, I still laugh them off with a joke, or a wry comment, or a sarcastic remark ... it's bad enough that I don't engage in the dialog, but what's worse -- how dreadfully worse! -- is that I pretend they don't even matter to me!

I think one of the most powerful scenes in the New Testament is when Peter thrice denies that he knows Jesus. His Lord, literally his personal God, is about to be hauled away and crucified in an excruciating death (even the word "excruciating" has as its root the idea of crucifixion!), and Peter can't even bring himself to admit that he knows the man. It's one of the most human, and telling, and moving, moments in the entire Bible to me.

I've been thinking about it a lot (hour after hour on a tractor or hauling rocks in 100 degree weather can do that -- it's entirely possible the entire thing is just heat stroke, honestly) and I've decided I am not going to do that any more. I'm going to do my best to be honest in this space, to quit denying the things that matter most to me. This approach will likely disappoint many of the fives of you who read this blog. I hope it won't lose me any friendships, or hurt my relationship with my family, but at the end of the day I think I owe it to them, and to myself, to stop pretending like large portions of my life don't exist.

And no, this doesn't mean I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

It does mean that I am going to start writing about religion, to begin with. I'm not sure about politics yet -- I don't think I know enough or am articulate enough to speak intelligently about that. And the climate these days is so vitriolic, on both sides, that I find it hard to imagine that it's possible to engage in an honest discussion, where everyone is seeking to find some kind of truth and not to score points in some arcane debate.

Instead, I'm going to start with a discussion of C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity", which my brother Johnny (one of the most genuinely religious people I know) purchased for me. I've thought a lot about religion and faith over the last five years or so, and I've started to come to some kind of peace about my feelings there. The first time I started on the book, I had a lot of strong reactions and it prompted a lot of desire to write, so I think it's a good place for me to start.

I don't have a timeline in mind or anything, but at least once a week I'll be reading a chapter and posting my reaction to it. Feel free to skip those posts if you like; I'll still be writing about all of the stuff I write about now -- animals, country life, weird tech stuff that happens at work -- but there's going to be a new element now.

I'll just try to keep the "Lime Jell-O" musings to a minimum, and hopefully no one will fall asleep :-)