Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Drop Kick My Big Balls While She's Gettin' Nailed - A Country Soundtrack

On my way home from the dog training class, riding in the truck with the pooches panting in the crew cab's back seat, trundling past fields of cows while listening to music piped into my cab from a satellite in outer space, having just come home from building a web site serving up videos that include subjects like "How to Make a Halloween Corpse", I had a moment of cognitive dissonance, one of those times when nothing in your existence seems to match with anything else, and your whole reality takes on a disjointed, incoherent aura.

So I did what any self-respecting introspective country nerd philosopher would do -- I changed the channel. And coming in over the airwaves from deep space came the following three country music hits, and everything was once again right with the world.

First was the bluegrass classic, "I'm At Home Getting Hammered (While She's Out Getting Nailed)" by Banjo & Sullivan:

The moral of this story is sad but true,
I love to drink, and she loves to screw
Hobo’s got a better life, out riding on the rails
I’m at home getting hammered while she’s out getting nailed

Immediately following was "Big Balls in Cowtown" by the timeless Bob Wills:
I'll go to Cowtown
I'll dance around
Board up your windows
The big boy's in town
Big Ball's in Cowtown
We'll all go down
Big Ball's in Cowtown
We'll dance around

I'll leave that to you English Lit majors out there to explicate. If you get stuck, ask any fourteen year old boy, he'll fill you in. So to speak.

Finally, my triumvirate of country classics was capped off by the one, the only, "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goal Posts of Life)" by Bobby Bare:

Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end, neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me, Jesus through the goal posts of life

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly temptations below
I've got the will, Lord if you've got the toe

Even if the soundtrack of my life does have to come from outer space because we live so far out in the middle of nowhere we can't even get a decent terrestrial radio signal, I sure do love bein' a country boy sometimes.


Trey McDonald said...


That series of songs reminds me of one that I ran across years ago. Sara and I were first going out and had next to no money, so TV was a staple of our entertainment. As I was surfing, I stopped at what appeared to be a concert on one of the local cable religious stations, not because of the music, oh no, but because I was mesmerized by the host/lead singer's incredible outfit. Imagine, if you will, a royal blue jacket with shoulder pads, black pants, and Seinfeld's puffy shirt. This was topped off by a Greg Brady-esque coif.
This should not have caused me to linger at this station for long, but as I began to emerge from my trance, I realized that this "entertainer" was not alone on stage - lurking in the mist behind him were about 8 members of what can only be described as his "posse" - remember, this was 1996. They looked as if they came straight outta' Compton (or at least Dayton), and were dancing and rapping in support of this very white religious singer and his very white religious audience. Surreal enough, but then...
The words finally hit me. In a call and respond number we hear the lead cry "WHO'S IN THE HOUSE?" And the posse answers: "J.C.!" Not being particularly evangelical (or bright), it took us a moment to get what that meant, but then hilarity ensued. In an effort not to totally hijack this thread, I'll not detail the next number, but it was indeed called "THE HOLY GHOST HOP!"

annie'sbuddie said...

Only thing missing from the series was "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed" by Kinky.