Monday, December 04, 2006

The Croc -- er, make that CRACK -- Hunter

I think this is, arguably, one of the greatest newspaper headlines in history:

He was naked, on crack and in alligator's mouth

There is so much awesomeness contained in this one story, it's hard to know where to start. I feel like a fat man standing at the entrance to Buffet Palace, paralyzed by indecision at which delectable delight I should entertain first.

Oh, wait, just today I really was the fat man at Buffet Palace. Those guys get really pissed when you clog up the doorway, incidentally. Just a quick restaurant tip for you kids out there.

Without further ado, I present a few choice morsels (ahem) from the naked crackhead getting eaten by an alligator story:

"The 45-year-old victim, who told authorities he'd passed out nude on the shore after smoking crack cocaine, was rushed to a hospital in critical condition."

I get that he was on crack, but why was he naked and on crack? I'm no expert on crack, though, maybe it's an etiquette thing, like "Don't strike dat pose/'Less you lose all dem clothes", I dunno. I'm sure he had a good reason for being naked, though, so far he sounds like a pretty sharp cookie.
"There's a guy screaming bloody murder over here, 'Help,' in front of the Moose Lodge."
I now see that the headline could have been even funnier if it were "He Was Found Naked, On Crack, and In Alligator's Mouth By a Moose", because everything's funnier with a moose in it, and this case proves it -- think mow much funnier it would be had the alligator been eating a Moose. Then you'd have "Naked Crackhead Moose Found In Alligator's Mouth." Tell me you wouldn't read that story!
About five minutes into the nearly eight-minute call, the operator suggested Mayid tell Apgar to punch the alligator. "I don't know if it's true, but if you punch him in the nose ... it may let him go," Fulman said.

I have this delightful mental image of the scene back at 911 HQ. The operator is surrounded by disbelieving co-workers and passers-by, all staring incredulously at the screen. "No, really, it's a naked crackhead? Being eaten by a gator? Get the hell out!" That would be first, but once the disbelief was done away with I can see them yelling out "suggestions".

"Tell him to lie there like he's dead, the gator will lose interest and go away!"
"Just ignore them, gators can smell fear."
"Tell him stop drop and roll, stop drop and roll!"
"Watch out for the stinger, that's how Steve Irwin got it!"

Exasperated, the operator has to shoot down these idiots one after another, trying to put the heavy-breathing rescuing Moose and desperately pleading naked crackhead out of his head. "That's a bear, a dog, a fire, and a manta ray, you idiots! Shut the hell up!" The problem now, of course, is that he's all inspired. Those were some pretty good ideas, after all, just not quite on target. This is the chance of a lifetime, thinks Mr. 911 Operator, this isn't another case of "There's been a car wreck," or "Help, I 'accidentally' got something stuck in my butt", oh no. This is like winning the freaking 911 Operator LOTTERY, this is the kind of thing you dream about late at night, praying to the powers that be to please, please send you something interesting tomorrow!

THIS IS A NAKED CRACKHEAD GETTING EATEN BY AN ALLIGATOR WHO IS DISCOVERED BY A MOOSE!! This is something you tell the effing GRANDKIDS about. How many times in your life do you get the chance to give someone advice in a situation like this? Not many, that's how many, and by all that's holy, Mr. 911 Operator Man is not going to let the inane exhortations of ignorant bystanders dim his glory, nosiree Bob!

Calm under pressure, steely-eyed and cold-blooded, Mr. 911 Operator Man smoothly toggles the phone, shushing the well-wishers behind him, and Dispenses Advice. "Punch it in the nose," he says, and immediately is blown over by the massed, shouted "THAT'S A SHARK, YOU IDIOT!" from the guys behind him.


Rob Rogers said...

Damn funny post, Jeff. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Now as this guy is naked, I'd be really worried about certain parts of his anatomy being appealing to said alligator and/or moose. Now you see why we newspaper people just drool over an opportunity to cover a case like this!

Jeff Hebert said...

Thanks Rob!