Friday, August 03, 2007

America's Shrinking Stature (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That)

Back in the day, Americans were the beefed-up muscle-bound guy at the beach kicking sand in the faces of the 90-lb weakling nations, sporting the tallest citizens on average of anyplace on planet Earth.

Alas, those days are long gone, as the United States isn't even in the top ten tallest nations any more.

What I'd like to know is, which of these newly-tall nations has been stealing our height? I demand an immediate investigation! Pass some laws, then ignore them and have the CIA do it the old-fashioned way. I even have a hot tip for them -- according to the article:

Back in 1850, the Dutch and other Western Europeans were 2 inches shorter than Americans.

The Netherlands now tops the "Tallest Nation" list at a resounding six feet for men and five foot seven inches for the women. That can't be natural; all they have to eat there is snow! Now I ask you, have you ever seen a tall snowman? I think not. Clearly something more nefarious is at play here, and I for one would like to know how they've been stealing our height.

Not that there's anything wrong with being short, as my entire family can attest. As my five foot tall mother said to my five foot one inch sister, "You're the tall one." Maybe that's what's really behind the Iraq War, a severe case of Short Nation Syndrome. There's certainly enough sand there for them to kick in our face.

Where have you gone, Charles Atlas? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Granted we now have to turn our eyes up to you since we're so short, but don't let that stop you from helping us beef back up.


Dan G. said...


You (like myself) live in Texas and the answer should be obvious. Recall all those Hispanic immigrants that have been coming in or are alredy here? Take it from a guy who's married into a Tejano family, they're short and they're statistically dragging this country into a new realm of short jokes and gassy food.

Anonymous said...

I can remember seeing those Charles Atlas ads in the backs of the comic books. I can't believe we're a short nation. Of course, I'm the "tall" one in the family, all 5-foot, two inches of me... Love the reference to S&G song, Jeff!! -- Denise