Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Words to Pee By

What follows is a direct data-feed of the mind of Jeff from earlier this evening.

I can't believe I'm going to have to stop at Diamond Shamrock to pee. What am I, a woman with a bladder the size of a grape? Real men can hold it for days! Crap, guess I'm not a real man, then, because I'm pulling into the parking space. "Thanks, man," nice of that guy to hold the door for me ... hey wait, a guy shouldn't hold the door for me, that really makes me a woman ... If I didn't have to pee like a polar bear I'd have gone the other way, no time for that, restroom dead ahead, bang open the door, snap the lock, lift the lid, and aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, relief!

Say, that's strange, it sure smells nice in here. Kinda flowery. That's nice. And why does that sign say, "Please do not flush feminine products"? How stupid to put that up in the men's room! Why in the world would a man bring feminine products into the bathroom? Maybe it's some really pushover husband, or maybe it's for dads changing diapers or something ... what a bunch of idiots running this place. Ah well, dew's off the lily pad, time to head on out ...

Snap the lock open, bang through the door, look right, towards the other restroom with the "Men" sign on it ... oh crap. Look at the door I came out of, with the "Women" sign on it ... double crap.


Women, handicapped, and me?
Slink out the door, make no eye contact, back into the truck and off to home, red-faced, completely unsure now, maybe I am a woman ... and do I have to pee again?! Jeezum Pete, maybe I went in the right door after all ...

6 comments:

John said...

When your vision is clouded by imminent bladder distress (it's up to your eyeballs), one can be forgiven.

I take credit, however, for the "pee like a polar bear" metaphor. That should carry a "© John Hartwell" next to it...

Jeff Hebert said...

Absolutely right, that phrase is indeed copyrighted by John Hartwell. Although I should think you'd be happy that I was not thinking of you at that particular moment, given what I was handling ...

annie'sbuddie said...

"...vision is clouded by imminent bladder distress (it's up to your eyeballs)..."

Also known as "optirenalmyeosis" not to be confused with "optifecalmyeosis" a condition that occurs when you become so constipated that pressure put on the optic nerve results in a shitty outlook on life.

JimmyMac said...

That one got me laughing out loud!
More support for JeffTV - MTV is making a fortune broadcasting "real life" that isn't half this funny.

John said...

Hm...I do believe Jeffrey has a story involving optifecalmyeosis as well. Ask him about his Trinity recruiting days.

(Was I supposed to mention that?)

Anonymous said...

Agree wholeheartedly with Jimmy Mc!! Your life is a scream. Episode 1 - Jeff digging keys out of trash can. Episode 2 -- Jeff getting tractor stuck in ditch. Episode 3 -- Jeff getting said tractor out of ditch. Episode 4 -- Jeff cooking a Thanksgiving turkey (sponsored by GM Truck). Episode 5 -- Jeff peeing like a polar bear. Yep. All the markings of a TV hit. Move over Ozzie... -- Denise