Saturday, April 08, 2006

The One Nostril Salute

Walking around in the country on even a small portion of land prompts two primal urges in the male of the species. The first is to urinate on something, a behavior you often see in canines but usually not in human adults. Get a man outside where he's reasonably sure no one can see him, though, and in the absence of a high head wind he'll soon be marking his territory.

The second grotesquerie men in the wild seem to enjoy is the art of the One Nostril Salute. You accomplish this maneuver by placing one finger along one side of your nose, completely closing off that passageway. You then cock your head and exhale forcefully through the nose as if you were blowing into a Kleenex. This forces any obstructions in the unblocked nostril to be propelled at a high rate of speed through the air and onto the ground. Repeat with the other side of the nose for a complete clearing.

I learned the One Nostril Salute from my father, who unfortunately insisted on unleashing it in the car. While he was driving. And I was in the back seat. It also taught me how to roll a window up really, really fast.

Thus concludes this episode of "Men in the Wild: A Study in Disgustingness".


annie'sbuddie said...

OK I'll jump in's called a "field hankie". First time I ever saw that technique used was in 1964 when my family moved from "metropolitan" Houston to "hillbilly" Knoxville TN. I was 16 & totally traumatized by the relocation.
We went to get a new puppy as appeasement since our previous dogs had crossed the bridge before the move. After following the directions to "go down yonder road till you see that scrappy barn then bar off to the wide drive at the fork"...we finally found ourselves at an old farmer's place & first thing he did was evacuate his nostril with his "hankie". I freaked!
Years later when I took up adult sports like soccer, triathlon, & bicycle racing I became adept at the technique. My mother would have been mortified if she knew.
Recently one of my most exciting moments following my hip surgery last spring occurred when I found that once again I could squat in the woods without having to hold on to a something or prop my butt up against a tree. There is definitely a primal satisfaction in the act!
"Wild Women Don't Worry...Wild Women Don't Get the Blues"

Jeff Hebert said...

I am happy to know it's not just boys that do this, thanks Buddie!

Denise said...

Okay, I will admit to lots of disgusting habits, but I have never, and I repeat never, done some of the things that males believe are their emminent domain -- I have never tried to light a match by farting on it, I have never relieved myself outside with a friend while saying "Don't cross the streams -- it could be utter disaster" (thank you Ghostbusters) or "Let's see whose pee can go farther!" and I have never blown out my nose while driving my car. There are a lot of things I learned from Dad (I use duct tape and black tape to fix almost everything, from a ripped hem in my skirt to reattaching my ashtray on occasion), but that's one male trick I will never even attempt, much less master. I'd rather have a guy fill a hankie than watch this one guy at work who enjoys nothing more than lunch, a cup of coffee after lunch and then picking his nose while reading his e-mail from the morning. Oh, some sights just won't disappear...