Friday, June 22, 2007

Wherein Science Proves I'm Dumb

According to the New York Times, eldest children in a family have an IQ an average of 3 points higher than younger siblings. The higher up in birth order you are, the smarter you are. The lower down, the dumber.


Find the Moron!
As the youngest of seven children, I've run the numbers and have discovered that, according to this research, I should have the same IQ as pocket lint.

However, I've just been handed this note by the Pocket Lint Anti-Defamation League, disavowing any relationship between the IQ of their members and, quote, "That one-lobed mouth breather Jeff," endquote.

So, there you have it, clearly this research must be in error, which would have been abundantly clear had any of these scientists actually met my older siblings. I'm not saying they're dim, I'm just saying they thought 9-11 was the store two blocks down from 7-11.

Actually I'd say 3 IQ points is probably on the low side. What they don't tell you is that the lost intelligence is due to an unending stream of wedgies throughout the early developmental years. They also ate all the good food before I could get to it so I was undernourished. And ... um .... I'm sure there are other reasons too, but I lack the IQ to think of them. Maybe I'll call my brother and he can tell me.

7 comments:

JimmyMac said...

I'll bet I can bet where in the birth order the researchers fall

JimmyMac said...

OK, I just read my comment - AFTER publishing it. I must have meant I'll bet I can GUESS where ...
Maybe the researchers are right - I'm #5.

John said...

How am I supposed to "find the moron" when everybody in that picture has a full head of hair? Geez!

Jeff Hebert said...

JimmyMac, even at number five, you're at least six IQ points ahead of me.

And John, I've got better things to do with my testosterone than grow hair with it. Like, grow hair on my back. And shoulders. And neck. And ears. And ... but that's probably already more than enough information.

Acroamatic said...

I'm #1 of 2. He makes money; I don't. So there.

Anonymous said...

Science has it all WRONG... of the sisters, Denise is the creative one, I'm the smart one and Donna is the pretty one... since I'm #4 - and perfectly in the middle (and yes, perfect does come close to describing me!), science is obviously wrong. Of course all three Hebert girls are smart and pretty and Denise and Donna are creative - so I have to have a little extra smart since they got to have creative too! (Did that article say anything about whining??)

Anonymous said...

As the eldest of seven, and supposedly the one with the highest IQ, I can personally say that I am the glitch in this research and the living example that proves its falsehood. And I have proof.

Of all seven of us, only one has backed a car into a house. That would be me. Only one of us has set her hair on fire (although my brothers could claim that's how they lost their hair). That would also be me. Only one of us has ever asked the question, "So what time do the casinos in Las Vegas close?" That would, ahem, again be me. As further proof, let me list the accomplishments of my younger siblings: #2, dentist, fisherman extraordinaire, philanthropist and student in the deaconate program; #3, professional geologist, owner and occasional host of a radio station and also a student in the deaconate program; #4, head of the human resources insurance program at her company, swimmer and active community volunteer; #5, geologist, president of the city girls' softball league, school board volunteer; #6, professional school teacher, community volunteer and religious education teacher; and #7, extremely talented artist who just sold his one-man company for scads of money; he is well-read, articulate and has been published in major magazines and newspapers and is a hero of mythical legend to thousands (no exaggeration) of teens and Heromachine fans around the world. I could never put myself at the front of THAT line! I like to think of us as a see-saw -- sometimes the elder kids are riding high and sometimes the younger ones are riding high. And at the center, holding us all together, is Diane, the perfect middle. -- Denise