How to Tell If You're an Idiot Driver

Currently there's one simple way to tell if you are an idiot driver.

1. Look in the mirror.


2. If the person looking back at you is Jeff Hebert, then you're an idiot driver.

I know this is true because I have experienced the following incidents in just the last week:

1. I got out of my truck to close the front gate, but forgot one important step -- putting the vehicle in "Park". I was very close to getting intimately familiar with the neighbor's cows by the handy expedient of crashing my truck through his fence. A hasty leap back into the accelerating cab narrowly averted this tragedy.


2. Scant hours after sending my brother a map that included the phrase "Do not speed through the town of Liberty Hill or you will get a ticket", I got a ticket for speeding through the town of Liberty Hill.


3. Today while hauling the Incredibly Expensive Pain in the Ass to yet another trailer lot to get it fixed, I misjudged the turn onto the overpass and smashed out the headlight of a waiting car.

Thus if the reflection you see staring at you out of the mirror is bald, with close-shorn side-hair, a goatee, and only one eyebrow, do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- get behind the wheel of your vehicle under any circumstances. It could potentially save your life, or at least a few hundred dollars in headlight repair, municipal fees, and bovine therapy bills.