Tuesday, February 07, 2006

What We Grow

When people ask me, "What do you grow on your farm?" I like to answer "We grow fat on our farm. The donkeys grow fat, the dogs grow fat, I grow fat, basically we're a fat farm and it's a bumper crop every year." Nicole Richey and Paris Hilton stopped by once and doubled in weight after just ten minutes. Now they each weigh FIFTY pounds. Weight Watchers is petitioning the government to pay us subsidies to close up shop here so they can get a grip on obesity.

Every time some celebrity staples their stomach and loses weight, where do you think it goes? That's right, it goes straight here, to Bertram, Texas.

It's like we have some kind of Caloric Enhancement Field around the place, any living creature that steps on it starts to pork up. That's why we can't raise pigs, if we brought a hog onto the property it'd explode in about ten minutes.

Hell, I sent a letter to Oprah once and she gained five pounds just opening it.

Anyway, that's what we grow here. Fat. Come on over some time, we'll serve you up a nice tall heaping stack of pancakes with syrup for breakfast and end your day with a giant plate of biscuits and gravy with pot roast on the side and pecan pie for desert.


Jill Phenix Avila said...

wow... for some reason I am hungry.. very strange ;) Is that a picture of a man or woman?

Denise said...

I don't mind the fat growing up in Bertram. Heck, I don't mind that you drive around with hay in your pocket or that you dig around in trash cans full of dog poop to find parts to your vacuum cleaner. I do worry that if that's the caliber of people up in Bertram, you and Annie are WAY over qualified to live there. First, you have all your teeth. Secondly, I can tell you're male and she's female. That is the oddest picture I've ever seen. Worse than Boy George. Worse than Jamie Foxx as Wanda on "In Living Color." Great, now I've got the heebie jeebies! Back to studying!

Bob "The Consultant" said...

DANG... I leave you alone a few years Jeff; only to log on to your new "blog" and what do I find? A WAY WRONG she-male photo and a piece on how to rub a donkey! Dude, one word: "Prozac"

Jill Phenix Avila said...

I saw him/her at the Burnett HEB. he/she was chatting by the Little Debbie snack isle about some new fancy pants city slickers... Something about she is too pretty and he is so hot with his sexy tractor.. word is that they cheat at every board game and might be preggos with donkey puppies…and that the antenna for their internet provider really signals the Bertram Yeti to go and scare people just for the fun of it. I heard the other lady say that the locals really like them, especially when they invite them over for whiskey fest and let them play with their new pet roomba… and rub their little asses as well as their cousin's spotted ass.
Do you guys know who these new peeps could be???? ;) I was just wondering... they sound like fun